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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mazzystar's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 10th, 2006
11:17 am
there are a few people in this world (and maybe you know them but maybe you dont but it doesnt make a difference) that you will always be connected with. no matter what/how/why. and when i say always, i mean it.

fucking scary.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
9:14 am
I woke up today and (god only knows why), I felt like I will never get to go back home ever again.

Current Mood: scared
Monday, January 16th, 2006
11:02 am
Punks in the Beerlight
I'm just curious... after 8 white russians (strong ones, by the way), 1 jam sandwich (good mix raspeberry liqueur, irish cream and vodka), 1 pint of beer and probably something else that chris and roddy had...
I wasnt drunk.
No hangover.
No worries and I can remember everything, apart the face of the bastard that held me by the waist to ask for fire.

Everytime I see those guys I feel like this place is special.
I never really had long lasting friendships or lived close enough to friends to be close to them (symptoms of living your whole life in the big city maybe?). Watching those boys makes me feel like they are fucking lucky and dont know about it.

Current Mood: happy
Friday, January 6th, 2006
9:26 pm
Today going to work I saw a puddle of blood on the corner of the street where I live.

Then I took the train, and two policemen got in the same train and came up to me and asked me if it would be ok to ask some questions.

then I answered and they asked other people the same questions.

then I spent the whole day shaking and feeling crap.

In 23 years living in huge sao paulo city and even bohemian places like porto alegre, and now 1 year here, Ive never seen a puddle of blood. fucking hell.

Current Mood: scared
Friday, October 28th, 2005
5:06 pm
Broken Flowers
So it happened just like I expected... When I hear the name of Jim Jarmusch I get that "argh, can't stand it" face... But then, what the hell, Bill Murray and Sharon Stone? The guy was probably high. I went to see and liked it. Basically because it's not a JJ film. Bill Murray is just the same (as friends told me before) but.. oh well, I have no problem with that.

And got Downfall, Closer and Melinda & Melinda to spend the rainy friday. cool.

Just before this "afternoon tv" moment Im going through is gone, I have to say I love Judy. The other day Richard was saying lots of bad things about America and americans and she simply made him shut up. live. on air. brilliant. "oh yeah, like if you could generalize a place and people by poor articles you read from Aiport magazines" and so on. haha She rules. I just dont understand why she's married to him though... what a waste.

and by the way... FIONNA APPLE RULES THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't stop listening to her. but will have to at some point if I wanna watch 3 in a night hehe. well Im back with my lack of sleep anyways...lalala.

Current Mood: cheerful
Friday, September 16th, 2005
12:53 am
um dia apos o outro e la vamos nos.
Right now Im talking simultaneously to 5 friends on messenger, and ALL of them are writing like giant texts asking for relationship advices. what are they? crazy? hehe
I talked to a few friends last week. pedro's got an exhibition in france and another in germany and i couldnt be happier for him. its good to see friends successed in their dreams, specially when you were a little part of it.

I saw ricky and maui this week. For some weird reason everytime I see him I feel like Im in a Kevin Smith film having woody allen dialogs. He's a good friend. Its good to talk about everything or then nothing, just watching the streets and going to the supermarket to buy avocados. its good to talk to someone that has the same interests as me, talk about things that somehow were dying all this time ive been here, talk to people that DO things, not only TALK about them.
Maui and I had a cool afternoon today, studying japanese and having coffee.

Colin wrote, he's coming in december. that will be weird. he reminds me of my editor back in sao paulo. cant believe he's getting married.

I ate too much chocolate and got marks all over my face, horrible. How cruel is to be alergic to chocolate and nuts.

Current Mood: awake
Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
10:02 am
What are you reading just now?
So Im awake since 8h30 to finish my cv and my zine. Yay.

Call me weirdo if you want but this monday we went to the Public Library to get member cards and I felt SO happy. hehe being surrounded by all those books and wishing to read so many of them is such a crazy good feeling.

Which reminds me that I finished J. Fahey book and "Asleep" by Banana Yoshimoto. good ones.

I also read this brilliant zine called COFFEE CRUSHES. If you have a chance, please, read it. awesome. Drawnings and texts are so cool. you can find it at www.microcosmpublishing.com

And just now Im trying to finish "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown that I got from my dad when he was visiting here. I kinda dont know if i like it but its in portuguese and its my dads present so im reading it! :)

What are you reading just now?

Current Mood: productive
Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
1:07 pm
I used to be so scared of job interviews, but being in UK just changed that in me.

But then CVs are still a nightmare. I hate to have to sit here and try to make the things I did look "important to other people". cuz i know all the effect it had on me but its like selling yourself and im terrible at sales hehe. I cant believe I lost the old one. Having to start from the very beggining sucks.

Dono mise de mo utte imasen!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( hehehehe

Current Mood: okay
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
2:08 pm
its bargain time!
Thanks for all of you that left messages or sent me secret mails! ;) Im feeling a lot better after buying a phone card to phone home and spending 1 day apart from craig that made me realise that i cant really be without him and thats why im here! hehe. i guess i ve just been down cuz things werent working well for me but whatever. ricky cheered me up a bit as well with his "if life gives ye a lemon, make a lemonade" moments hehe

But to the point: It's been cheaper to buy videos than to rent videos from blockbuster. so last month (gosh can ya believe its september already?) Ive got for £1 each:

- City of God
- All the real girls
- My first Mister
- Fulltime Killers
- Young Adam
- Belleville Rendez-Vouz

Its not like they are all good but its cool to have something to do when its boring staying in the house :)

Current Mood: nerdy
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
2:16 pm
I want a true hug
"i was dressed for success
but success it never comes
and i'm the only one who laughs
at your jokes when they are so bad
and your jokes are always bad
but they're not as bad as this"

Nothing in this world could replace the love my family gives me.
I miss them.
I want to hug my mum and dad and brother and sister and my cat.
I want to be there for them.
And I wish I could call them and be honest about how crap is to be here when we talk over the phone. But im not selfish and i would be stupid to worry them with the truth because Im sad.

My uncle called TWICE last week. my dad called me once. and they never call.
I wonder if they sense sadness.

Current Mood: depressed
Sunday, August 28th, 2005
12:00 pm
"Thieves are arrested after being stolen in Rio"

According to the news, two thieves just stole a car and when they were driving trying to scape from police they had to stop for the traffic lights and then this other thief just stole the stolen car from them (hehe lousy english of mine, hope that makes sense).

Rio de Janeiro is a beautiful place to visit in 3 days. more than that, is suicide. believe me its pure chaos.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
10:09 pm
if you wanna hear something sweet...
I called my dad on sunday and was telling him that last week i had gone to the swimming pool place and then realised that I REALLY didnt know how to swim and that I spent all those years thinking i could really swim (when we used to go to the beach when i was a kid, every year on our summer holidays) and that was almost a shock to me. Cause when you are a kid you can create your own world and have imaginary friends and imaginary skills and really believe it like i used to think i could swim but just couldnt be bothered doing it when I was in the sea.

Sooo... my father was all surprised that I couldnt swim!!! hehe he went on "but megssa, you were the little princess of the sea, we would take you to the beach and you would never leave the water, i
was so sure you could swim"... hmmm projections? hehe The thing is , my father started teaching me how to swim over the phone!!!!!! Yeah, like he was going on and on about everything i should do to not sink or die in the swimming pool, even things like "and try to dive like this because then you wont swallow water. oh yeah, dont swallow water from the swimming pool..blablabla" like, im 24 and my dad, across the ocean, over the phone, was being all sweet and trying to "be there" for when i finally learn how to swim, even if
in a weird cute way. Even writing aobut it just now makes me speechless cuz i cant describe how loved i felt when i heard that :)

Current Mood: thankful
Monday, August 15th, 2005
11:07 pm
is it only me...
Hmm... Last week I watched "the house of the obssessive compulsives" and I cried at the end.
Tonight I watched the same show but instead of compulsives they were over-weight kids :( and I cried again.
Maybe Its because Ive been very sensitive these days but.. hehe damn, every show like that makes me cry ?!?!?!!?

Current Mood: touched
Thursday, August 4th, 2005
9:29 am
goodbye friends
So I had two weird nice days. Gert and Angela are away for their Highland walk and maybe we'll hear from them in 2 weeks again and know how it went.

Angela is an amazing, intelligent, super sweet, friendly, exciting and beautiful girl. I really really got so excited about meeting her and having all those talks . for most of the 2 days it felt like I knew her for ages already. I really hope craig and i can make amsterdam soon to see those guys soon. plus I love amsterdam. :)

Sooo yesterday we went to the art school, glasgow uni, the lighthouse and the 13th note. I got pretty tired and got craigs cold. Im feeling crap as hell but im sure i will be better soon.

At some point yesterday Gert and I had a wee argument. nothing big but he was kinda rude with me and i hated him for that. then we took the train and he sat next to me and then he started asking about personal things, relationships and i couldnt stop crying. i dont know why. it was so sweet thou to see someone who REALLY CARES about how im feeling. like, no lies, no bullshit, no double meaning or anything. he does care and that means a lot to me.

I brought them back home and then the we all had dinner here, which was nice. Gert and I didnt get the chance to talk in private all these 2 days which was weird. he went to the kitchen to talk at some point when i was on my own cooking but i thought i shouldnt bother him.

just realised thats gonna be me for a long time. i used to try to figure myself out a lot before, but being here on my own just shows me that I should shut up and keep everything inside. amen.

Current Mood: sick
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
9:50 am
its party time...
My friend Gert is coming from Amsterdam with his girlfriend Angela to stay in Scotland for a couple of weeks. They still don't know how long they will stay in glasgow but I hope they extend the initial 2 days to a few days. They are staying with us here in the flat and thats gonna be awesome.

I met Gert a few years ago (7 years ago!!!!!!!! crazy!!!) and it was he who introduced me to craig. old mobiles time when i used to work in this office and live with a phyco canadian boy in brazil. In all these years of friendship we kept in touch I always took Gert as a very good close friend. You know one of those people you just dont need to say much but they get what you mean? So before coming to scotland this january I spent 1 day in Amsterdam and the boy just rode me in his bike in the whole town! took me to a nice restaurant, a fantastic gig, a weird local cafe and to have some nice dutch hot chocolate. it was definately one of the top 10 best days of my life EVER!!! Im so happy hes coming now as he was meant to come for the wedding in may but couldnt make it. I have a feeling this week is gonna be a killer one! :)

Ironic enough, Im gonna meet his girlfriend for the first time ever and that freaks me out because I know she didnt really want to meet me before... hmmm... life plays those tricks on you all the time, huh? Well, I guess Gert convinced her that I was no threat and that im married and bla bla. damn it, hehe. I guess if he loves her the way he does she cant be any less than great! Its so weird this kinda "social etiquette" you gotta have towards certain situations...

Man, its gonna be party the whole week! and I NEED to watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...Ricky is in town as well. yay :)

Current Mood: excited
Monday, August 1st, 2005
11:09 pm
When you panic and act stupid...being away from home
2 years ago I came to Scotland because of (at the time) my boyfriend. I left Brazil and everything I had because of a man. I remember getting a little bit embarrassed for always been asked "so what are you doing here? are you studying? working?" and had to answer "no, Im here because of a man", just as if I had nothing else to do or something. Well, even before that I was always sure about how much I love that man and that I would really do anything to be with him.

So I left everything and I thought it would be easy. My first time abroad. I had sooo much trouble in here. Adaptation sucks. I found myself acting like a stupid girl because of many reasons but specially because I have this terrible resistence to new things, new friends, new situations. So just my visa expired i had to go back home and only 2 weeks before leaving is that I had an insight that changed my behaviour towards people and the place. You know that "oh you just give value to what you can't have" and I thought about all the opportunities i had wasted and all. I left feeling like a loser.

So I had a tough year. I mean, a TOUGH one. I lost people I loved, lost friends, lost connections, lost jobs, lost myself in a place that i thought it was my home and i thought i missed and that for some weird reason, i thought it would be the same as from when i had left, just as if crossing the departure gate everything behind me would freeze and wait for me to come back.

So after this confuse year, I came back to scotland. this time expecting things to be even tougher and ready to relax and try harder to adapt. I came to get married and I did get married with the one Ive been loving for years and that makes my life full of meaning. I feel like I changed a lot compared with the first time i was here and people that met me back then know what im talking about.

The past 2 months have been teaching me a lot of lessons. and today i had to think about things i hadnt thought before and that make all the sense now. things didnt get easier or better because the place or people changed or whatever. they just got better cuz i decided to be open to them. and that makes a lot of difference.

So this weekend I had to wake up for somethings that Ive been neglecting from myself for quite a while. and its time to change again. I was acting really stupid with someone that showed me how cruel i can be and that made me feel like shit and sorry for acting like a selfish person.

Basically, my point is that being here has been teaching me lots of things and I wouldnt be half of what i am if it wasnt for all the patient and nice people that are around me and I shouldn't neglect myself of all they can add to my life and I should just be myself and let things be because Im not here to become a total different person, but im here to adapt who i am in a new enviroment and life. and that includes listening to my heart and trusting people and not being unfair with them because if they dont know me enough its up to me to help them to see all i have to offer and that Im not 100% bad just 50% disturbed hehe :)

Current Mood: melancholy
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
11:46 am
whats new?
Well, my dad is arriving in 1 hour! Im so excited about that. hes coming to the wedding and to know scotland... which means we are officially in a busy time for the next 3 weeks, travelling and doing stuff. cool.

Ive been having a good time. Met Habou last sunday and found out he is leaving for 1 year. sad. cuz, well, Im a very moody weird girl and sometimes when Im just enjoying the blues, I can be really really stupid and isolate myself... well, hope i have the chance to see him more often before he leaves. Hes doing something he likes anyways, so im happy for him.

I also went to Scotland ticket last week to return tickets and got one of their magazines. What a surprise when I saw that I WAS IN THERE! Apparently Im gonna play in this festival on the 30th april. "brazilian crazy project from sao paulo" or something like that. I found out later that Im singing with some people from teenage fanclub and the pastels. well, Im not sure if im really going anyways. hehe. crazy.

What else? my bridesmaid just dissapeared. so I invited Roddy to be my bridesmaid. He always surprises me (in a good way). I was drunk but Im glad I did ask him.

I found out my younger sister is pregnant so Im gonna be an auntie soon. yay! Im happy about that too.

And I decided to accept my fate and im officially organizing this wee festival (or party?!?!) in glasgow and edinburgh for some brazilian bands and artists. Its good to be "back on bussiness", plus its gonna be interesting organize such a thing away from home. Debbie always makes me feel like doing those things again.

I just feel sorry craig and i wont be able to go to the Comic expo with Maui and Cris. But who knows next time? I want to go to this amusent park they have in here now. sounds soooooo weird. hehe.

and officially my favourite shows on tv nowadays are: Everybody loves Raymond, Come dine with me, Trisha , Will & Grace and the hilarious Playing it straight. although I missed PIS last week. what a shame.

Current Mood: busy
Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
8:46 am
i want a white russian, now!
so i ended up going to the bookcrossing meet up last night. what a lovely surprise. after that last meet up with weird seinfeld characters surrounding me i wasnt expecting very much from the new meeting.

well, went up to glasgow quite late. found the cafe nero on st vincent street and there they were. just 5 people but it was lovely. this girl laura will probably become a very good friend i can tell. shes just amazing. everybody decided to leave quite early, so i thought itd be nice to go for a drink before going home. laura didnt want me to do it. "are you going on your own?" and when i said yes she seemed quite confused.

ok, one of my favourite things ever: enter a pub, go straight to the counter and order my favourite drink. i just love to be on my own in bars. so after convincing laura it was a good idea i went to ad lib and stayed there till the end of the game drinking my white russian. god damn it. i could drink that everyday all the time breakfast lunch dinner supper.

hehe on my 15th birthday i remember making people just drink my favourite soft drink at the time, listen to only 1 of my favourite cd over and over and eating the cake that only i liked. dictator. ha ha ha. thats what you get for being my friend. hehehehe ;)

today im re-decorating my room. got some paint and some mirrors and candles. hmmmm writing like that sounds like im gonna decorate a motel room hehe. oh well...

Current Mood: geeky
Tuesday, March 8th, 2005
3:40 pm
international womens day
here in Paisley the Renfrewshire Council is promoting some kind of womens fair at Paisley town hall. I went there to check it out. pretty nice. lots of people smiling all the time. a girl that just put a sticker on my boob pressing it a lot.. weird. hehe

so, got some free condoms, information bout certain things, carreers and jobs and went to The Works.

on my way back home, this girl that looked like a saint (im not kidding. how many people have you met that actually look like a saint? she was the first time for me), just approachs and says "dont worry, im not gonna hurt you"....

"was the cafeine?" - I thought.

"Nothing is going to happen. I know you're gonna hear me. listen, im a nun"

"huh? how does she know i have a trauma with nuns?" I thought again

"Im just here for charity. would you have any donations bla bla bla"

"yeah... maybe i have a pound..."

"would i be too cheeky if i asked you for 2 pounds?"

"humm. yes you would, but here you go" and i gave her the two pounds

"you are not from paisley"

hehe here's a thing, its quite obvious i dont look scottish but anyways... she looked like a saint and spoke like one (hehe even if ive never heard a saint speaking)... i just got shy... you can always get shy around saints.


then she said "obrigada"


So, she just looked at my surprised face, with her little saint smile and gave me a book...

It was a hare krishna book. the book I WAS READING BEFORE I LEFT BRAZIL. she simply gave me the book i had to leave cuz i was going crazy taking too seriously the mantra stuff.

So she said "thats for you. i stopped you cuz you have a peaceful face". of course she smiled before saying that.

Do I look like a cemitery? ehehehe.

and... if she was a hare krishna... she should be a monk not a nun?!?! (im not sure about this). and... which cause was she doing charity for? for who?

i really like weird paisley! :)

and I guess I learned a lesson: never talk to saints in here. hehe

Current Mood: curious
Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
8:36 am
oh hell yeah. I have this weird need of being amazingly nice and sweet and cute when Im hurt and sad. In other words, I cant help hiding feelings.
So there was I, hurt and sad when this person just starts to get rude for no reason. my reaction?

I went to the shop, helped the old ladies. had some laughs about things, then all of a sudden, i decided i should prepare an oriental night. Lets see... it was 4:20 and I had 40 minutes to go to the supermarket, get some things, go home and prepare everything for 5 pm. Impossible? Well, quite right I had a little delay in preparing the food but everything was in time at the end.

Got home and decorated the living room with style. Japanese lamp, candle lights, little table, music, bottle of white wine (couldnt find saque at the supermarket... no wonder), everything looking absolutely cute and beautiful. went to the kitchen and prepared some salmon sashimis and kanikama sushis and some yakissoba. got a chocolate cake for dessert. He was late. and that doesnt happen very often.
5:10 pm - I was happy cuz I had time to get myself a nice look and finish the cooking.
5:20 pm- i was finishing the cooking but worried if he would ever come back.

Of course he'd come back. this is his home. for gods sake. but yeah, still had time to worry.
Of course he came back. he was just late. he apologized for being rude for no reason. he enjoyed dinner, got really surprised with everything in a good way.

But he is not happy and I can tell.

There is a funny thing about men (and sorry if I offend anyone but it is the truth) no matter where they are from or where they live... if the girl is bad, she is bad... if the girl is good, she is too much. haha. life is a joke, huh?

Soooo. what am I doing here? I think Im gonna make a cv saying how cool i am and drop it in some places. sayonara.

Current Mood: disappointed
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